make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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