and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Dear god my vagina.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
