I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
