Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I smell stomach acid.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
