Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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