He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
