omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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