apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
