tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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