i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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