Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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