Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
