Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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