for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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