i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
even my farts smell like vagina
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
How's work?
Spinning.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
