i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
