My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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