How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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