i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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