ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I want to make a zoo with you.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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