She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
