Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Randomize
