id be glad to
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
it's great music for shaving your balls
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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