Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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