his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
