There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize