Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
