I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
