i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
