Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
