toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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