if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
