when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
