My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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