This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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