White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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