Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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