yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
