So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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