My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
