the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
