So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Randomize
