sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
