My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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