Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
