so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
