I must be too annoying 4 u.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
