He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize