I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
