i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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