I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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