he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize