Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
