Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
