Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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