seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize