it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I believe in your delicious
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
