I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
