I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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