my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
