The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
