Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
