Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Blood and glitter go together right?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize