id be glad to
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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