3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
