yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
