I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Randomize
